Will the Real Joker Please Stand Up?
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After Batman foils several of the Joker's schemes before he can give the punchline, the Joker worries he's becoming predictable and decides to spend some time away from Gotham. Unbeknownst to him, while he's gone, a copycat Joker appears and starts committing crimes that fool everyone, even Batman and Harley...thanks to blackcat9517 and J-Eazy98 for the suggestions! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Will the Real Joker Please Stand Up?**

"Pour the drinks, Harley – Selina and I need something to celebrate!" said Poison Ivy as she and Selina Kyle entered Harley Quinn's hideout.

"Oh yeah? Me too, gals!" said Harley, emerging from the kitchen with a tray of glasses and a pitcher of margaritas. "But you go first."

"Both Ivy and me are free and single once more," said Selina, rolling her eyes. "I'm not sure it's a cause for celebration, but Ivy thinks it is."

"Of course it is," said Ivy. "What could be better than a couple of free, independent single women? We can have our pick of all the men in Gotham!"

"If you can find one you haven't dated yet, Ivy," retorted Selina.

"You really can be catty sometimes, can't you, Selina?" said Ivy. "I guess that's where your name comes from. Don't blame me because you can't make things work with the Bat."

"I don't wanna talk about him, all right?" snapped Selina, grabbing her margarita. "I just wanna move on as soon as possible."

"That's certainly the healthiest thing to do," agreed Ivy, nodding as she took her cocktail.

"I dunno, gals - I think leaping from man to man is often just a way of masking your pain, rather than dealing with it," said Harley.

"Thank you, Little Miss Shrink," retorted Ivy. "Forgive me if I don't take relationship advice from the woman dating the Joker."

"Hey, maybe we can learn something from Harley and J's relationship," said Selina, shrugging.

"Yeah. What not to do," agreed Ivy.

"I'm serious, Ivy," replied Selina. "I mean, I don't personally understand what's attractive about J, but it's enough to make Harley see past his superficial ugliness and love the beauty within. Whatever that is."

"Whaddya mean?" asked Harley, eyebrows narrowing. "Mr. J's the most gorgeous man in the world."

"C'mon, Harley, he looks like a clown," retorted Selina. "Clowns aren't sexy. But I'm complimenting you for being able to see beyond that – Ivy and me usually go for looks over substance, and it's pretty obvious you don't."

"Mr. J's a sex bomb!" shrieked Harley. "He's got the face and body of a god, on top of all his other attractive qualities!"

"Yeah, he looks like one of those Mexican death gods," agreed Ivy. "You know the ones with the skull faces?"

"I think you gals are just jealous that I hit the jackpot," sniffed Harley. "Stunning good looks, sense of humor, talent, intelligence, and every other attractive thing about a man all rolled into one gorgeous package! And speaking of his package, that's gorgeous too, and huge…"

"All right, Harley, shut up," interrupted Selina. "Nobody wants to know. Forget I said anything – I'll never try to compliment you again."

"See that you don't," retorted Harley. "I'm suspicious of compliments – Mr. J usually only gives 'em when he's setting me up for a fall."

"What a catch," said Ivy sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, what was your good news, Harley?"

"Oh yeah. Mr. J and me are heading off on vacation next week," said Harley, cheering up instantly.

"That _is _good news," agreed Ivy. "Anything that gets the Joker far away from me is an occasion worth celebrating."

"I hope you don't mind postponing these girly evenings for a few weeks until I'm back," continued Harley.

Ivy and Selina shared a look. They had no intention of postponing their cocktail and gossip evenings just because Harley was out of town – they intended just to continue to have them and add Harley and her toxic relationship with the Joker to their list of things to complain about while getting progressively more drunk. But of course they had no intention of telling her this.

"No problem at all, Harley," said Selina, smiling at her. "We'll look forward to all meeting up again when you return."

"You and J got any big plans for this vacation, or is it more of a relaxing getaway?" asked Ivy.

"Well, it's meant to be a romantic getaway with just the two of us," said Harley. "There'll be no Batman to come between us since we're going far away from Gotham. But if I know Mr. J, he'll still find a way to pull some gag or joke or scheme or something," she sighed.

"Do I sense a hint of dissatisfaction about your relationship with the clown?" asked Ivy, eagerly.

"It's nothing, Red," said Harley, shaking her head. "I'm just being silly. But lately…he's just seemed even more emotionally distant than usual."

"I'm really struggling to imagine J even more emotionally distant than usual," said Selina, thoughtfully.

"I think it's just the Bat bothering him," continued Harley, ignoring her. "He's managed to foil Mr. J's past three schemes before he could even pull a gag, and Mr. J is worried he's becoming predictable. That's why I'm hoping when we're away from Gotham, it'll cheer him up a bit. I don't like seeing him unhappy. It's so wrong seeing Mr. J without his smile."

She forced a smile of her own. "So in that vein, since you gals are…y'know…more experienced than me, do you have any tips on things guys love a gal to do to them in the bedroom? Something that will really perk him up and drive him crazy?"

Ivy and Selina shared another look, and smiled at each other. "Oh yes, Harley," murmured Ivy. "I'm sure we could give you some advice that would really drive J wild."

It was sweet that Harley trusted her friends – it was also incredibly naïve of her. For although Ivy and Selina really did value Harley's friendship, what they both valued even more was making the Joker suffer. And what better way to do that than to practice on Harley's relative sexual inexperience and tell her some things that all men enjoyed, which really would make most men never trust a woman in bed again?

Harley, unfortunately for the Joker, took the bait, and one evening a few days later, Ivy was woken up by her phone ringing.

"Mmm…hello?" she murmured, sleepily.

"Red, how could you do this to me?!" shrieked Harley. Ivy heard angry shouting and roars of pain in the background, which she recognized as Joker's voice.

"I'm bleeding! I think I'm actually bleeding! You nearly ripped them off, you stupid girl! And how would you have had kids then, huh?!"

"Hang on, Harley – I wanna get Selina on the line for this," said Ivy, beaming. "She'll wanna hear the clown in pain too!"

"This was a horrible thing to do to me, Red!" shrieked Harley. "I told you we were going through a rough patch as a couple, and this ain't gonna make things any better! You think I don't get sex as it is?! Now hell is gonna have to get a visit from Mr. Freeze before Mr. J lets me near him again! I trusted you both, and you go and pull a stunt like this!"

Ivy couldn't resist responding with, "Well, actually, you're the one who pulled stuff, Harley."

Harley didn't respond except to shriek in fury and throw the phone against the wall, shattering it. Harley immediately burst into tears, burying her face in her hands.

"I'm the one who should be crying, you dumb blonde!" shouted Joker from the bathroom. "You nearly ripped my cojones off! But instead I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna kill your stupid gal pals! Oh God, this is the worst pain ever!"

"Puddin', where are you going?" asked Harley as he stormed from the bathroom, fully dressed and grabbing his suitcase.

"I'm going back to Gotham!" he growled. "This whole trip was a terrible idea! Why would anyone wanna be stuck alone with you for a couple weeks?! I'm going back to Bats, who understands me, and who doesn't fight dirty, unlike some people!"

"Puddin', please, I won't listen to anything Red and Selina say ever again!" cried Harley.

"It's too late, Harley – this is the second time in recent memory that you've seriously hurt me during sex, and not in a fun way!" shouted Joker. "I enjoy pain, a lotta pain, but there are certain lines you must not cross! And until you wise up and learn what those are, you're not coming anywhere near me! In fact, just stay away from me! Go find a place of your own! If I want you back, I'll come find you, but don't you dare come find me!"

"Puddin', please don't throw me out!" she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please don't break up with me again! I love you, and I can't bear to be away from you…"

"I need space, Harl," he growled, shoving stuff in his suitcase. "I feel…dried up and uninspired."

"Lemme try to inspire you, puddin'," she whispered. "That's what I wanted this vacation to be about – you and me, but more importantly, you. Whatever it is that's wrong, I just wanna help make it right."

"There's nothing you can do, Harley," he retorted. "It's not something you can fix. I just need to be alone for a while. I need to be the Joker, without anyone else interfering."

"You _are _the Joker, puddin'," she said, puzzled.

He shook his head. "If Bats can figure out my schemes, I ain't the Joker. The Joker ain't predictable like that. I'm having an identity crisis or something, and I can't work it out with you around. I don't need to be part of a couple right now – I need to be the Joker. And he doesn't need anyone."

He looked at her. "If you love me, you'll let me go," he murmured.

"I do love you," she whispered, tears trailing down her cheeks. "And if you need to go…you go, puddin'. I'll wait for you to take me back. You…you will take me back, won't you?"

He shrugged. "Well, eventually I'll probably get bored of having to do errands and chores myself," he said, smiling at her.

She smiled back. "I love you, puddin'," she whispered, kissing him. "I'll see you soon, when you feel like your old self again."


	2. Chapter 2

The Joker left Harley, but he didn't return to Gotham for the time being. He spent a couple weeks away from the city, alone, trying to recover his former genius. But it didn't work. And he knew why. He needed Gotham and the people in it, particularly Batsy, in order to be the Joker, and in order for his madness to manifest itself properly. He may be going through a temporary dry spell, but the only thing that was going to get his gears working again was heading back to Gotham. And so he returned to his home city in a good mood, actually looking forward to seeing Harley for once, and especially looking forward to making Ivy and Selina pay for giving her such terrible advice.

He was driving back to his hideout when his eye was caught by a newspaper headline that made him slam on the brakes. He jumped out of the car, ignoring the crash of vehicles piling up behind him, and raced over to the newspaper vending machine, where the headline read, in huge letters: _Batman Fails to Foil Joker's Latest Scheme_.

Joker disregarded the coin-operated machine, using a boxing glove on a gun to punch through the glass and seize a copy of the paper. A quick scan of the story made his blood boil, and his smile turn into a furious frown. Clearly some opportunist had been using his absence to impersonate him, and the stupid media were falling for it.

"Buncha idiots," growled Joker, crushing the newspaper in his hand. "Can't tell the difference between a copycat and the real thing."

At least Batman knew the difference, he assured himself, and Harley would too. And the first thing he was gonna do to cheer himself up was to find this copycat and make him pay for daring to mimic his greatness.

"There's only one Joker," he said to himself, as he shot a policeman who had arrived on the crash scene and then stole his car. "Copyright DC comics! Honestly, this don't even sound like a scheme of mine! Blowing up a chemical factory? Where's the punchline in that? If it ain't funny, it ain't me, everyone knows that!"

He was still ranting to himself when he arrived back at his hideout, kicking open the door and announcing, "Honey, I'm home!"

"Oh, puddin'!" shrieked Harley, who managed to race their pet hyenas in getting to him, and won, although admittedly it was difficult to distinguish her slobbering and jumping over him from the hyenas' reactions. "You're home at last!"

"Yeah, just in time too," agreed Joker, pushing her off him and holding up the crumpled paper. "What do you have to say about this?"

"What?" said Harley, taking the paper from him and scanning the story. "That chemical factory explosion? I thought it was a great scheme of yours, puddin', as usual…"

"It wasn't my scheme!" roared Joker, suddenly furious. "How can you not know that, Harley?! I expect the chumps at the Gotham Gazette not to be able to tell an Original Joker Gag from a Carrot Top, but I always thought you could recognize my style!"

"Oh…well, it seemed kinda like your style to me, puddin'," said Harley, slowly. "A lotta people were killed…"

"Where's the joke, Harley?!" roared Joker. "You tell me where the joke is!"

"Well…you know we ain't got exactly the same sense of humor, Mr. J, but I thought the joke was that…it was the third thing you blew up so far, and it started with C. The first was an aviary, which Pengers wasn't that pleased about, and the second was a bank, and now a chemical factory…I thought it was kinda an alphabet gag!"

Joker stared at her. "First of all, how is that a gag? It's not funny, it's just OCD! And it takes a whole lotta explanation to get it, which my jokes never do! And second of all, I haven't blown up anything! I've been outta Gotham for two weeks!"

"Oh," repeated Harley, surprised. "But…you said you were heading back home to Gotham…"

"I changed my mind!" he snapped. "I'm the Joker – I can do that!"

"So…none of them were your schemes, Mr. J?" asked Harley, slowly.

"Of course they weren't!" he yelled. "And I'm hurt, shocked, and offended, Harley, that you of all people can't tell the difference between my work and some pathetic amateur!"

"Well, the papers say he left notes for Batsy with your name signed on them," said Harley. "And the glimpses people got of him fleeing the scene sounded like you – purple suit, green hair…I didn't have any reason to think it wasn't you, puddin'."

"Aside from the huge fact that these crimes aren't funny, you stupid girl!" roared Joker. "I've never done an unfunny crime in my life, and now some loser is out to slander my good name!"

The hyenas cowered back from him, whimpering at his rage, and Harley joined them in backing away slightly – she had rarely seen Mr. J so furious.

"Now…now calm down, puddin'…" she stammered.

"That's all you can say at a time like this?!" he shouted. "Calm down?! When my career has been smeared and stolen by some unfunny hack?! Don't you care about me at all, Harley?!"

"You know I do, puddin'…"

"You don't! You can't if you can't even recognize which are my crimes and which aren't! If you mistake some alphabet obsessed moron with my comic genius!"

"I'm sorry, puddin', but I ain't the only one he's fooled!" protested Harley. "Even Batsy thinks he's you!"

Joker struck her hard across the face. "You take that back, you little brat!"

"It's true, puddin'!" she cried, holding up the paper in front of her face to shield herself, however futilely, from another blow. But it never came.

She opened her eyes to see him staring at the article in horror and disbelief, which confirmed Batman reporting Joker as the culprit for these crimes, and his personal vow to bring the Clown Prince of Crime to justice for them.

He let out a cry, falling backward and stumbling to the door. "Puddin'! Where you going? Puddin'!" called Harley, racing after him.

"To see somebody who might know what the hell is going on!" shouted back Joker.

"Puddin', wait! Puddin'!" cried Harley, watching him leap back into his car and drive off in fury. She sighed, looking back down at the paper in her hands, and then at Bud and Lou, who stood whimpering after Joker and looking up at her in confusion.

"You ain't the only ones who are confused, boys," she murmured, petting them. "I sure hope Mr. J don't do anything too crazy."

She seemed to be forgetting who she was talking about.


	3. Chapter 3

The Joker drove across town to a brownstone building, half-dilapidated and half-pristine, and knocked loudly on the front door. He heard noises from inside and knocked again.

"Who is it?" growled a familiar voice.

"The Joker, Harvey! The one and only! Property of DC Comics!" shouted Joker.

"What?" asked Two-Face, puzzled. "What's DC Comics?"

"Never mind – just let me in, Harv!" snapped Joker. "I need to talk to you!"

There was another growl, and then the door opened a crack to reveal Two-Face in his bathrobe. "This really ain't a good time, J…" he began.

"Oh, c'mon, Harvey, it's an emergency!" cried Joker. "I don't care if you're in flagrante with the Weed Lady – everyone knows you two are still kinda together anyway! There's no need to be embarrassed about it anymore than anyone would be embarrassed for sleeping with someone who sleeps with plants!"

"Uh…no, we ain't actually together anymore, J," said Two-Face slowly, glancing inside.

"Yeah, yeah, I know – she don't wanna commit, so you ain't official, you just casually hook up from time to time," snapped Joker. "It's no secret, Harv, and no reason not to let me in, as long as she's decent. There are some things I just don't wanna see!" he chuckled.

"Look, J, just beat it!" hissed Two-Face. "I don't care what emergency you got – I'm busy! Come back in about an hour, would ya?"

He slammed the door in his face. "You don't tell the Joker to come back in an hour!" shouted Joker. "Nobody tells the Joker to come back in an hour! Honestly, I leave for two weeks and I'm already losing my goddamn respect in this town," he muttered, heading around the back of the building. He wrenched down the ladder for the fire escape and climbed up, taking the stairs up until he reached a window. He was about to break it open, when he looked inside and his jaw dropped.

The window looked into Two-Face's bedroom. And lying on his bed, naked and tangled in the sheets was a very familiar figure.

"Pussypie!" cried Joker, knocking on the glass and waving at her, smiling.

Catwoman looked up at the window, and her face fell in horror. "Harvey!" she shrieked, clutching the blankets and making sure she was covered.

"What?" said Two-Face, emerging from the bathroom. She pointed to the window, and both his faces too fell in horror. "Oh no," he muttered. "Of all the people I didn't want to know…"

He wrenched open the window. "I thought I told you to beat it!" he snapped.

"Oh, I will now, Harv!" laughed Joker, grinning. "I have some phone calls to make, and some people to see! The big question is, who do I tell first? The Plant Lady or the Bat Freak?"

"Get in here!" growled Two-Face, seizing him by the collar and pulling him through the window. "Selina and I aren't doing anything wrong, y'know! We're both single, consenting adults!"

"But don't you dare tell Ivy," snapped Selina, keeping the blanket firmly wrapped around her as she reached for her clothes. "Or Batman."

"Why not, if you're not doing anything wrong?" chuckled Joker. "Surely you don't have anything to hide? You're not afraid of them, are you?"

"No, but why rock the boat?" demanded Selina.

"Because it's a fun thing to do, pussy pooh," retorted Joker. "Which, incidentally, is probably Harvey's exact sentiments about you."

"Look, Ivy would flip if she knew, because she's crazy," said Selina, ignoring him. "And she believes in this unwritten women's law that we're not supposed to date each other's exes. And Batman…"

"Doesn't need another excuse to beat the crap outta me," finished Two-Face. "So just keep this under your hat, J."

"Don't you worry, Harvey – I can be discreet," said Joker, smiling at him. "With my friends, of course. My friends who help me out when I have emergencies and need information. Otherwise I just like to spread happy news about people I know who are in new, happy relationships. Just to share the love."

Selina and Two-Face shared a look, and then Two-Face sighed in resignation, gesturing to a chair. "What do you want, J?"

"You may have heard the papers reporting several crimes of mine which Batman has failed to stop," said Joker, sitting down across from him.

"Yeah. So? You here to gloat?" asked Two-Face.

"On the contrary, Harvey – I'm not at all pleased about the situation," snapped Joker. "Considering I didn't commit those crimes. I've been away from Gotham for two weeks. Somebody has been impersonating me in my absence."

"Why would anybody wanna do that?" asked Selina. "Surely nobody could ever _want _to be you?"

"I don't see why not," retorted Joker. "I do have it all – the royal flush. Looks, brains, sense of humor, talent…"

"Ego," agreed Two-Face. "But Selina's right – it does seem an odd thing to do. This guy's either just plain crazy, or hoping to gain something you have."

"Probably Batsy's love and respect," said Joker. "But those things can't be bought just by pretending to be me, y'know."

"He doesn't feel either of those things toward you," retorted Selina. "Sorry to burst your bubble. But he does think this guy is you, so he's good enough to fool him."

"And how do you know that, Kitty?" asked Joker. "Been sheet surfing, have you?"

"No," retorted Selina. "Batman and I decided to give our relationship one last try last week, but he left in the middle of our date to fight you. He said that you were even more clever and dangerous than usual. I told him I was glad he liked that type of man, because he was losing that type of woman forever if he left me. Which he did."

Joker stared at her. "He…he said that?" he asked, looking hurt. "More clever and dangerous than usual?"

"So this guy ain't just a rank amateur, J," said Two-Face. "He's good. He knows you well enough to fool Batman."

"And Harley," said Joker, glumly. "But who the hell is he, Harvey? You must know the score – you're the number two villain in this town! What's the 411 on him?"

"There is no 411!" snapped Two-Face. "Everyone thinks he's you!"

"Is there anyone we know who could pull off something like this convincingly?" asked Selina. "What about Clayface?"

"Nah, Karlo's got a sense of humor," replied Joker, shaking his head. "He'd know that alphabet explosions aren't funny. And anyway, there's no motive. If Karlo wanted to cause chaos and terror, he'd do it as himself. The guy's too big of a ham to let other people take credit for his work – he's an actor."

"J's got a point," agreed Two-Face. "I don't think this is one of the Arkham regulars. We're all massive egotists, and we all hate J too much to want to give him credit for our own work."

"So he's an outsider?" asked Selina. "Somebody who's just studied up on you, J? And why would he do that? Why would anyone want to be you?"

"Hey, there are a lot of great things about being me!" snapped Joker. "I don't have to wait in line for things – people always just usher me to the front, for one thing!"

"I doubt a guy would go through all this trouble just to cut in line," replied Two-Face, sarcastically. "Maybe he wants to kill Batman."

"No, that can't be it," said Selina, shaking her head. "Batman was complaining about the crime scene being empty when he arrived. If he wanted to kill him, he'd either stay and fight, or set a trap for him, and he hasn't done either."

"So we don't know who this guy is, or what he wants," said Joker, nodding. "Good start." He looked at Selina. "Are you still in contact with Batman?"

"I might be," she replied. "Why?"

"Because if anybody can figure out who this imposter is, it's him," retorted Joker. "Tell him if he finds him, I'll kill him, so he doesn't have to get his hands dirty."

"I'm sure he'll be really eager to take you up on that offer," sighed Selina, rolling her eyes.

"He should be," agreed Joker, ignoring the sarcasm. "Or he'll be the one having an identity crisis, not me. Since that's not the real Joker, he's not the real Batman, because real Batman only fights real Joker. And without Batman…who is Joker?"

"Just some random nutcase, I guess," said Two-Face, standing up. "Now if that'll be all, J, Selina and I have some things to do."

"Yeah, sorry, don't let my identity theft ruin the mood," said Joker, smiling as he headed for the door.

"And remember, J, this is our little secret!" shouted Selina after him.

"Lips are sealed, pussykins!" giggled Joker. "Lips are sealed!"


	4. Chapter 4

The night drew on, and the Joker hadn't returned, and so Harley decided to go to bed at last. She shared a bed with the hyenas when the Joker wasn't home – she needed something to cuddle or she couldn't sleep. But tonight, she still didn't sleep, even though she was cuddled between two warm mountains of fur. She was too worried about Mr. J and the way he had acted today. She just hoped he hadn't done something desperate.

She heard the front door open and let out a sigh of relief. The hyenas awoke instantly at the noise, their ears perked up as they raised their heads. They began sniffing the air, and then whined in confusion, hopping down from the bed and padding out of the bedroom. A few minutes passed, and they didn't return.

"Babies?" called Harley. Maybe Mr. J was giving them a snack in the kitchen. "Babies?" she repeated, trying to reassure herself that that was probably what was going on, and not to panic.

The bedroom door, which had been semi-opened when the hyenas left, now opened all the way. A figure stood in the doorway, the light from the hallway shining behind him, but his face concealed in shadow. This figure was a man, dressed in a formal, purple suit, and with green hair that flopped haphazardly over his head, hanging down into his eyes.

"Who…who are you?" stammered Harley, her heart pounding in terror, but her hand slowly reaching for the gun under the pillow.

"Doncha recognize me, Harley?" the figure murmured, in a low, terrifying voice as it shut the door behind him. "I'm the Joker."

She shook her head. "You're…you're not…you're not Mr. J."

"I'm the Joker," the man repeated. "The man you love. The man you'd do anything in the world for, the man you gave up everything for. The Joker."

"What…do you want?" she asked, backing away from him as he approached the bed, her hand tightening around the gun still concealed under her pillow.

"What does the Joker want?" he asked. "I don't think anyone really knows. I know him so well, I've studied every crime he's ever committed, and even I can't tell you what he wants, and I am the Joker. But I know what I want. I want you, Harley."

"M…me?" she repeated.

"I've always wanted you," he murmured. "And I would do anything to have you, you see? Even become the only man you've ever loved. I know there's no hope for me otherwise, unless I'm the Joker. But I am the Joker now, Harley, so it's all right. We can be together at last. And I've waited so long, and done so much, but all of it was for you, my love, so that makes it all right, doesn't it? People are expected to do anything for love, aren't they? And I have made the ultimate sacrifice for love. I've sold my soul, and become someone else, all for you, Harley. Tell me you love me now," he murmured, leaning forward.

The moonlight was shining through the window and across the bed, and as he leaned forward, it fell upon his face. It was a face Harley recognized and didn't recognize at the same time. The man was wearing makeup, white makeup so that his face looked bleached, like the Joker. His lips were broad and red, and his mouth was scarred, almost as if a huge smile had been cut onto his face. And his eyes were wild and staring and…familiar. Harley knew those eyes – she tried to imagine the face without makeup, and without that horrible, scarred smile…

"Who are you?" she repeated.

"I'm the Joker," he whispered. "Your lover, Harley. It's all right, you see? You can say you love me now, and kiss me, and be mine, as you always should have been. God, if you knew how long I've dreamed about this moment…"

He was about to climb onto the bed when Harley ripped out the gun, pointing it at him. "You make one more move and I'll shoot you in the face," she said, seriously.

He stared at her. "You would shoot this face?" he whispered. "The face of the man you love?"

"Mr. J's a lot more handsome than you," she muttered. "His beauty's natural, for one thing. And I should kill you anyway for daring to impersonate him, and for breaking into my home…"

"Our home, Harley," he interrupted. "Our home, that we always should have had together. But now that I'm the Joker, we _can_ have it, you see? Just like you've always wanted – a happy little home in the suburbs, away from the city, with a white picket fence and a backyard, someplace for Arleen and J.J. to play."

Harley stared at him in astonishment. "How…do you know about Arleen and J.J.?" she whispered. "I haven't told anyone but Mr. J about those names for my kids, or my dream for our future…"

"I _am _Mr. J, Harley," he whispered. "I'm the man you're meant to be with, the man you were always meant to be with. You were too blind or crazy to see it, but now…now you will, won't you, Harley? Because I'm the Joker. And you wouldn't hurt the Joker. You love him too much," he said, pressing forward again.

Harley tightened her finger on the trigger, but she couldn't pull it. "I'm giving you one last chance," she whispered. "Tell me who you are."

He didn't respond, but reached out a hand to touch her cheek. Harley flinched away from his touch, and as she drew away, her eyes fell upon a deep scar on his palm, a scar that she recognized, in the shape of a heart.

She stared up at him in astonishment again. "Oh my God," she whispered. "Ricky."

His eyes clouded in confusion. "I…I don't know that name," he stammered. "I'm the Joker."

"Ricky, it is you!" she gasped, recognizing his eyes suddenly. "God, what the hell happened to you?" she whispered, reaching out to touch his scarred cheek. "Did you do this?"

"I did it for you," he whispered, tears forming in his eyes. "I love you, Harley. I've always loved you."

"Christ, Ricky, I…" began Harley, but the bedroom door banged open at that moment.

"Harley, why the hell were the hyenas locked in the…" began the Joker, but he stopped talking when he saw the scene in front of him – Harley in bed with a man who vaguely resembled him. His shock instantly changed to fury, and he ripped his gun out just as the man with Harley leaped from the bed, racing to the window and crashing through it. Joker raced after him, firing bullets out into the darkness, but the man had disappeared.

He whirled around to face Harley, raising his gun again. "So that's how it is, you little slut?!" he hissed. "I go away, and you jump into bed with my imposter?!"

"Puddin', it's not like that!" snapped Harley. "Put down the gun, you moron!"

"Moron?!" he roared. "No, that's you and your little boyfriend, Harley, if he thinks he can impersonate me and get up to hanky panky with you behind my back!"

"Hey, I got a gun too!" snapped Harley, pointing hers at him. "Now we can both just shoot each other, or we can both listen to reason! You take your pick, Mr. J!"

It was admittedly a difficult decision for the Joker, and they were locked in their Mexican standoff for about thirty seconds before Joker growled, throwing down his gun.

"That's better," muttered Harley, slipping hers back under her pillows. "Honestly, Mr. J, you _are _a moron if you seriously think I'd cheat on you with anyone. Especially a guy who dresses up as you."

"Then what the hell was he doing here in our bed, Harley?" demanded Joker.

"He's nuts!" she retorted. "He thinks he _is _you, or wants me to think that, or…God, I dunno what happened to him, but it must have been awful!" she whispered, burying her face in her hands. "Poor Ricky!"

"Who the hell is Ricky?!" he demanded.

"He was a kid who lived in the same apartment building as me, back in Brooklyn," muttered Harley. "We grew up together. We were best friends as kids, completely inseparable, and we did everything together."

Joker glared at her. "I thought you didn't have any other guys before me, Harl," he muttered.

"I didn't!" she shrieked. "We didn't do things like that – we were just kids! But when we grew older, and got to be teenagers, he…he told me loved me. I…I let him down easy, because I just didn't feel that way about him. He wasn't my type."

"Sure seems like your type, with the whole homicidal clown thing," retorted Joker.

"Yeah, that's why he's doing it," murmured Harley. "He wants me to love him. He still wants me to love him…"

"Well, he's just gonna have to be disappointed!" snapped Joker. "Nobody tries to impersonate me and then steal my doll! I'm gonna kill him, Harl!"

"Jesus, Mr. J, you're so selfish sometimes!" snapped Harley. "Everything's always about you, isn't it?! You're more concerned about your precious reputation than how I might feel seeing my former friend like that, and realizing what he's done for me, and wondering how the hell he could have gotten so messed up…"

She sobbed, climbing outta bed. "I'm on the couch tonight," she whispered, reaching for her robe as tears slid down her cheeks. "I need to be alone!"

"Oh no, you don't!" he snapped, catching her arm before she could leave. "You've been alone for two weeks, and that's enough! You're not being alone tonight!"

She stared at him. "You…you want me to stay, Mr. J?" she said, surprised.

"Yeah! Don't I have the right to spend the night with my doll after being away from her for two weeks?" he demanded. "Or are you really gonna be that selfish and ignore me?"

She shook her head, climbing back into bed. "That's better, you little brat," he muttered, undressing and climbing in after her. He pulled her into his arms and she curled up against him. They lay there in the darkness for some time, not saying a word. Harley was listening to the drumming of his heartbeat – she never felt safer or happier than when she was in his arms.

She felt him stir, and then felt a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She looked up at him in astonishment. "Did you just kiss me?" she whispered.

"No," he muttered. "Why would I do a thing like that? You must be imagining things, Harl. Goodnight."

Harley smiled to herself, despite everything. "I'm glad you're home, Mr. J," she whispered, snuggling into his embrace and shutting her eyes. She was asleep in moments.


	5. Chapter 5

_It had been a sunny day in the city, and Harley and Ricky had been heading out to play in the park. _

"_Mom reminded me to stay together, and not to talk to strangers," Harley was complaining, her face pulled down in a scowl. "She still treats me like a kid."_

"_We are kids, Harley," said Ricky._

"_Yeah, but we ain't stupid," retorted Harley. "We don't need to be constantly reminded not to do stupid stuff."_

_She picked up a pebble and threw it at a nearby tree. "Anyway, life would be so boring if we didn't have a little danger once in a while. And I ain't gonna live a boring life, Ricky. No, siree."_

"_Well, what do you wanna be when you grow up?" asked Ricky as they headed over to the swings. "I know you wanna get away from the city, with your two kids, Arleen and…"_

"_J.J.," finished Harley, nodding, her pigtails bobbing between the red bow in her blonde hair. "Arleen and J.J."_

"_Yeah, but what do you wanna _be? _What's not boring?"_

"_I dunno," said Harley, shrugging. "My Dad wants me to be a doctor, but that sounds like a lotta work to me. I don't want a hard, serious job – I wanna do something where I can have fun every day."_

_She began swinging. "Maybe I'll join the circus. I ain't afraid of heights, y'know. Maybe I'll be an acrobat," she said, leaping off the swing and landing on her feet._

"_I'd be too scared to do that," admitted Ricky. _

_Harley kicked at the ground, her red sneakers caked with dirt. "It's a shame we gotta grow up, Ricky," she murmured. "Kinda wish we could stay like this forever. That we could be kids without the school. Y'know, like a forever summer vacation."_

_Ricky laughed. "That'd be great," he agreed. "No teachers, no homework, just long, sunny, fun days. The two of us, together, all the time…"_

"_Yeah, that's what I want my life to be like," she murmured. "Full of long, sunny, fun days. That's what I wanna be when I grow up. I wanna be happy."_

"_I'm happy now," said Ricky. "I think I always will be with you, Harley."_

_She smiled. "You're sweet, Ricky," she murmured, starting to swing again. "Wanna play a game?" she asked. "See who can jump the farthest off the swing?" _

"_You'll win," he said._

"_C'mon, Ricky, at least try to compete," she said. "I don't like a guy who lets me win, y'know. I like challenges."_

"_Ok, if you want," he said, kicking his legs to climb higher. When they both reached as high as they could possibly climb, Harley leapt off the swing, landing several feet away. She turned to watch Ricky jump – he pushed off, but instead of landing on his feet, he slipped and fell on his face, scraping his arm across the ground._

"_Oh my God, Ricky, are you ok?" cried Harley, racing over to him._

"_Yeah, I think so," he said, picking himself up gingerly. "My hand really hurts though…"_

"_You're bleeding!" cried Harley, horrified at the amount of blood that covered his hand and the ground. "We gotta get you to a hospital right away!" _

_She ripped off the red bow in her air, untying it and wrapping it around Ricky's wound. And then they headed home as fast as they could run. _

_It turned out some older kids had been drinking in the park, and had left some glass bottles lying around, some of which had broken and scattered shards of glass everywhere. Ricky had got one of these embedded in his hand when he landed, but the doctors at the hospital removed it fairly painlessly. He bore a scar on his palm from the incident, however, a scar which the doctors told his parents might never go away._

"_This is all my fault, Ricky," said Harley, as she visited him at the hospital later. "I'm so sorry."_

_He shrugged. "It's worth it, for you," he said, smiling at her. "And hey, I'll always have this to remind me of you," he said, holding up his scarred hand to her. "Looks a little like a heart, huh?"_

"_Yeah, it does," she agreed, smiling back at him. _

"_This way I'll always have something to remember you by, even if we're apart," he said, studying it. "But I hope we never are."_

"_Yeah, me neither," agreed Harley. "But you'll always be my best friend, Ricky, no matter what happens."_

"_And you'll always be mine, Harley," he said, taking her hand in his. "No matter what happens."_

…

Harley awoke from the dream-memory to daylight. She was still lying in Mr. J's arms, and he was still asleep, his beautiful face calm and relaxed. She stared at him tenderly and then planted a gentle kiss on his lips.

He grunted, stirring in sleep and rolling over. "Why doncha go do something useful like make coffee?" he muttered, his eyes still shut. "And feed the mutts?"

This was his way of saying good morning, and Harley was used to it. She nodded, sitting up and climbing out of bed. She suddenly felt somebody spank her, and turned to smile at him. "You want coffee or you wanna play?" she murmured, grinning.

"Coffee," he retorted, smiling at her. "First, anyway."

She giggled, kissing him again and then leaving the bedroom and heading for the kitchen. Bud and Lou had been locked in there – they were curled up asleep by the door, but awoke the instant she entered, leaping on her and licking her.

"Yes, it's good to see you too, babies!" she cooed. "I'm sorry about last night – I bet you're hungry boys now, aren't you?"

She opened the fridge, pulling out two slabs of raw meat and dumping them into their bowls. They devoured them greedily.

"Your Daddy's a hungry boy too," she murmured, grinning, as she turned on the coffee machine. "And he's got quite an appetite when he's in the mood. Mommy can't wait to have his meat."

Bud and Lou shared a look. They had been hoping for a little attention from their owners after last night, but that clearly wasn't going to happen anytime soon. They knew Harley's tones of voice by now, and this one meant that she had a one-track mind about her animal urges.

Harley let them out the back, and then poured the coffee into mugs, heading back to the bedroom. "Here's some energy for my puddin'," she purred, kissing him as she placed the mugs down on the nightstand. "I think he's gonna need it."

Joker chuckled, sitting up in bed as Harley handed him his mug. She climbed back under the covers, taking hers. Joker sipped the drink slowly, gradually waking up and remembering all that had happened last night.

"This guy Ricky," he began. Harley had been sliding her hand down toward his lap, but paused at these words.

"What about him?" she asked.

"Why did you stop seeing each other?" he asked. "I mean, was it just too awkward being friends with each other when you knew he wanted more?"

"Yeah, kinda," she agreed. "I ain't the kinda girl who likes breaking guys' hearts, not like Red and Selina. But it wasn't really a conscious decision – I moved to Gotham for college and we just naturally grew apart."

"He didn't follow you to Gotham?" he asked. "Only he seems pretty dedicated, and he's obviously here now."

Harley was silent. "The last I heard from him…was a letter he wrote to me…after I got together with you. I think we had been on the news or something, and he wrote to me in Arkham begging me to reconsider my decision to be Harley Quinn…he said whatever was wrong with me, he could help make it better. He said I shouldn't give in to the madness, that he would help me fight it, that I could still be saved if we were together…"

She trailed off. "I never wrote back to him," she murmured. "It wouldn't have done any good. He would never have understood that I didn't want to be saved."

She paused. "He asked me a long time ago what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I told him I wanted to be happy. In his letter, he told me I didn't have to do anything so drastic to be that, that it didn't have to come to this, transforming myself into a…clown."

She looked at Joker and smiled. "He thought I did it outta desperation. He would never understand how clearly I see things now. And how happy I am now. Because I love you."

She kissed him tenderly, and sighed in happiness as he pulled her down into his arms. It was true, a lot of people didn't understand her, but Harley didn't consider herself to be that much of a mystery. She was a girl who wanted to be happy, and she was always happy with the man she loved. What was so hard to understand about that?


	6. Chapter 6

An angry knocking sounded on the front door a few hours later, interrupting Harley's delightful afternoon. "Joker! You come here this instant and atone for your crimes!" shouted a familiar voice.

Jonathan Crane stood outside with his arms folded across his chest, his face the picture of fury. Especially since in response to his knocking and shouting, all he heard was Harley and Joker's boisterous love-making.

"Oh yes, puddin'! Oh yes, yes, yes! Oh, you're an animal! Take me harder, you big, dirty beast! Oh, harder! Oh yeah, that's it! Oh, Daddy, I've been such a bad girl! Spank me hard! Oh, right there! Oh, puddin', you always know just how to get your Harley's engine revving hard enough to explode! Oh God! She's about to explode again, puddin'!"

Crane shut his eyes to try to block out any mental imagery he might be having, and continued to try to make himself heard over the din. "I mean it, Joker! I'm not leaving until you come out of her…uh…come out _here_ and face me like a man!"

He heard Joker's distinctive chuckle. "Be with you in a second, Johnny! Don't you worry – I'm…coming!"

"Oh God, what a man! Oh, oh, oh, oh…OH PUDDIN'!" screamed Harley, with a screech that might have shattered flimsier glass. "Oh, you're a sex god!"

When the Joker opened the front door a few moments later, dressed in his bathrobe and smiling smugly at Crane, it was to the other's infuriated expression, his hands balled into fists and shaking.

"What can I do ya for, Johnny?" he asked, gesturing him inside. "Sorry to keep you waiting, but you know what it's like when you're in the middle of things, and your dame just won't let you quit, and keeps begging you to shove it in harder…oh wait, sorry, you don't know what that's like!"

"I've had just about enough of you, you disgusting excuse for a human being!" hissed Crane. "It's not enough that your very existence is a plague upon the earth, but you also have to spend your days frustrating and interfering with _my _plans!"

"Hey, the only person I've interfered with today is Harley," snapped Joker. "And she's anything but frustrated!" he chuckled.

Crane had raised his fist when Joker pulled a gun out from the pocket of his bathrobe. "Go ahead and hit me, Johnny, and I'll do you the favor of killing you!" chuckled Joker. "It's not like your life is important to anyone anyway!"

"Johnny, what are you doing here?" asked Harley, entering the room at that moment and beaming. She too was dressed in her bathrobe, her hair wild and loose, and her face indescribably happy.

"H…Harley," stammered Crane, lowering his fist as he stared at her. "Good afternoon. You're well, I trust?"

"Oh, I'm just perfect, Johnny!" sighed Harley, gazing at Joker in adoration. "Feeling just fabulous! Like every inch of me has been coated in honey and happiness!" she purred, draping herself over Joker and kissing his cheek.

"Well, that's…quite an image," stammered Crane.

"Lemme get you boys some drinks," she said, heading for the kitchen. "I know puddin' needs to hydrate himself after burning off all that yummy sweat…"

Joker spanked her as she left, murmuring, "Don't be too long, my saucy little minx," and Crane's jaw tightened in fury again.

"Now you listen to me, you useless waste of oxygen!" hissed Crane. "How dare you?!"

"Well, I think I kinda have the right - she _is _my girlfriend…" began Joker.

"Not that!" interrupted Crane, furiously. "After I spend months and weeks talking of nothing else, how _dare _you sabotage my scheme?!"

"What scheme?" asked Joker.

"Don't play dumb!" snapped Crane. "Even though you are an idiot of the first degree, you're just smart enough to make a horrendous nuisance of yourself! My scheme to blow up the Dini Dam and flood the city with fear-gas-tainted water! Today was the day I had planned to implement it, only last night, I find that the dam has already been destroyed by none other than the Joker!"

"Well, don't blame me," retorted Joker. "I was asleep in bed all night. Ask Harley if you don't believe me," he said, nodding at Harley as she entered carrying a tray of drinks.

"Ask me what?" she said, setting the tray down.

"Was the Joker with you all of last night?" demanded Crane.

"Yeah," said Harley. "Why?"

Crane's glare turned to confusion. "No…no, that's impossible, there are witnesses saying the Joker was the one who blew up the dam! You mustn't lie for him, Harley, even if he's asked you to, like the poisonous serpent he is…"

"Oh, screw you, Professor!" snapped Joker. "Oh wait, that's right, nobody ever has!"

"Boys, boys, let's not fight!" said Harley, stepping in between them as Crane lunged forward. "Johnny, I ain't lying! Mr. J's been away, and he only returned to Gotham yesterday! He's being impersonated, and the imposter is obviously the guy who blew up this dam!"

Crane stared at her. "Why on earth would anybody want to impersonate _him_?" he demanded, throwing a finger at the Joker.

"Well, I hate to say it, but it's all because of little ol' me," sighed Harley. "The guy who's impersonating him is…someone I used to know. A childhood sweetheart of mine, I guess you'd call him. A guy called Ricky Sorkin."

Crane's face became even more incredulous. "W…what?" he stammered.

"We grew up together in Brooklyn," explained Harley. "He was in love with me, but…something happened to him that made him snap. I dunno what, but it must have been something terrible, because he's completely lost it now – he says he _is _Mr. J, and he hopes becoming him will make me love him at last."

"You…you said Ricky…Sorkin?" said Crane, slowly.

"Yeah. Why? You know him?" asked Harley.

"No," said Crane, hastily. "No, only…the name is slightly familiar…excuse me, I have to make a phone call," he said, leaving the room suddenly. He shut the door and then grabbed his phone out of his pocket, dialing the number with trembling fingers.

"Pick up, pick up, pick up!" he hissed.

The phone clicked. "Hello?"

"Jervis? It's Jonathan."

"Yes, I know – you're the only one who ever calls me," retorted Jervis Tetch on the other line. "How are things going with the Joker? Have you made him rue the day he crossed you yet?"

"No, not yet," growled Crane.

"I'm as surprised as the March Hare being surprised it's tea time," said Tetch, dryly. "Which of course means I'm not at all surprised."

"Oh, do stop talking nonsense, Jervis, and listen to me!" snapped Crane. "Do you remember that young man I tested my new strain of fear chemical on a few months ago? The one that went horribly wrong?"

"The one you hadn't realized I was testing my mind-control device on simultaneously?" asked Tetch. "Yes, I remember very clearly. His mind broke because you overloaded it."

"_You _overloaded it!" snapped Crane. "If you had just left a note telling me you were already testing your mind-control on him, I would never have injected him with fear gas! But the overload of stimulus on his brain caused it to collapse, and turned him into a gibbering wreck!"

"Well, you said you were sure he'd be fine!" snapped Tetch.

"Obviously he wasn't going to be fine – I just wanted to wash my hands of him!" retorted Crane. "But what was his name, Jervis? Do you remember that? It was Ricky something, wasn't it, judging by the cards in his wallet? Ricky S…"

"Ricky Sorkin, I think," supplied Tetch. "Why? Does it matter?"

"Oh yes, I believe it just might," sighed Crane. "Thank you, Jervis. I just need to figure out a way to tell Harley."

"Tell Harley what?" asked Harley, who had just left the room to go refill Joker's glass.

"Nothing," said Crane, hanging up the phone suddenly. "Only…only Jervis and I…might have…um…accidentally…tortured and…broken the mind of…er…Mr. Sorkin."

Harley gaped at him. "You did what?" she gasped.

"It was an accident!" he protested.

"How can you accidentally break someone's mind?!" shrieked Harley.

"Harley, I promise you, we had no idea the man was a friend of yours," said Crane, sincerely. "We thought he was just a regular nobody, like the rest of the people in Gotham! If he had mentioned your name at all during the torture, we would have done our best to repair the damage…"

"How could you, Johnny?!" sobbed Harley. "Oh God, poor Ricky! No wonder he's so messed up! Why couldn't you have checked before you just randomly torture people, Johnny?!"

"Look, I'm sure the Joker doesn't do background checks on everybody before he tortures them!" snapped Crane. "It's an honest mistake – could have happened to anyone!"

Harley shook her head, heading to the bedroom to shower and dress. "I gotta find him and try to help him," she whispered. "And when I do, you better be ready to apologize to his face for what you did to him, Johnny!"

"Harley, I swear, I didn't know the man was an admirer of yours!" called Crane after her. She slammed the bedroom door, and Crane sighed, heading for the front door to leave. "If I had, I would have just killed him when I had the chance," he muttered. "The last thing I want is more competition…"


	7. Chapter 7

"I still don't know what good you think talking is gonna do against this guy," commented Joker as he emerged from the shower after Harley, who was dressing in front of a mirror. "He's nuts. Crazy people can't be talked outta being crazy – I should know."

"I gotta try, Mr. J," she said, pulling on her costume and putting her hair up into her hat. "I can't just forget about him, especially if he's gonna continue impersonating you. There's gotta be another way to make him stop besides killing him. And I can't know what's happened to him and just stop caring. He was my friend for a lotta years."

"Yeah, but if he couldn't understand you when he was sane, he ain't got much of a chance now that he's off his rocker," commented Joker, toweling himself off and pulling on his boxers.

"Actually, it might help," said Harley, beginning to apply her makeup. "If he's mad, he might be able to understand mad love better than any sane person could..."

She shrieked as a figure suddenly burst through the already broken window into the room. "Well, at least you won't owe for property damage this time, Batsy," sighed Joker, as Batman straightened up.

"What do you mean just bursting in here, Bats?!" shrieked Harley. "Doncha have any respect for people's privacy?!"

"Well, ask a stupid question, Harl," chuckled Joker, reaching for his trousers. "I think he was probably hoping to catch one of us naked! And I'm pretty sure it was me, wasn't it, Bats? Otherwise what could you possibly want here? Aside from glass in your shorts. Sorry to disappoint you on both counts, by the way."

Batman glanced at Joker's boxers for a moment, which were decorated with Batman's logo, shuddered, and then snapped, "I'm here because I've spoken to Selina."

"Oh yeah? Then you know about her and Harvey!" said Joker, beaming.

Batman stared at him. "What about her and Harvey?" he asked.

"Uh oh, she didn't tell you," said Joker, grinning. "Never mind, Bats – it's not important. She told you about my imposter instead, right?"

"Uh…yes," said Batman. "And I've discovered who he is…"

"Ricky Sorkin," finished Joker, nodding as he pulled on his undershirt. "Old friend of Harley's."

Batman looked as astonished as he could look beneath his mask. "Yes. How did you…"

"He came to see me last night," interrupted Harley. "We're way ahead of you, Bats."

"Gotta say, Batsy, I'm a little hurt he managed to fool you into thinking he was me," said Joker, as he buttoned up his shirt. "I thought you of all people could tell a genuine Joker gag from a fake."

"I don't think any of your gags are funny, Joker," growled Batman.

"Yeah, well, you ain't got a sense of humor neither," sighed Joker.

"We're just getting ready to head out and try to find Ricky," said Harley, putting the finishing touches on her makeup.

"I'm not going to let you kill him," muttered Batman.

"We don't wanna kill him," replied Harley.

Batman's surprise grew. "You…you don't?"

"Nah, Harley wants to talk to him, for all the good it'll do," said Joker. "You can take the clown outta the shrink, but you can't take the shrink outta the clown, ain't that right, cupcake?"

"That's right, puddin'," she agreed, beaming as she came over to tie his bowtie. "Anyway, looks like you came all this way for nothing, Bats. Unless you wanna stay and play with the babies some – they could use a new chew toy."

"Now hold on, Harl – he could still be useful," said Joker. "After all, we dunno where Ricky is. And Bats will naturally, being the World's Greatest Detective and all." He looked over at him. "You _do _know where Ricky is, doncha?"

"Of course I know where he is," snapped Batman. "But I don't see any reason why I should take you with me to confront him. I only stopped by to pass on the information and let you know I had everything under control, and then to return you to Arkham."

"Well, Ricky probably ain't gonna listen to you," retorted Harley. "Heck, he might not even listen to me, but I think I'm the best hope you've got of talking him outta his madness, if that's even possible. Or you could go in there doing your usual Bat-thing – punching him out, trapping him in the endless cycle of violence you usually trap the insane in, and ruining his life forever. Or you could take me and Mr. J with you to confront him."

Batman glared at her. "Why Joker?"

"Because I said so," retorted Harley. "I want him to be with me. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks, after all, and I missed him a lot," she said, kissing him. "Besides, if something goes wrong with Ricky, I'd feel safer having a hero beside me. And Mr. J's my hero," she purred.

"_I'm _a hero," snapped Batman.

"No, you're a bully," she retorted. "And I don't trust you to keep me safe. Mr. J's killed a lotta your little friends under your watch, but nobody close to Mr. J has ever died under his watch."

"Can't argue with that!" chuckled Joker. "Let's face it – I am more useful to have around in a tight spot. I'm more creative, and completely unpredictable. Ricky will never know what hit him!"

Batman looked from one to the other. "I'll let you both come with me on two conditions," he muttered. "One, whatever happens, you don't kill Ricky. And two, after you've seen him, you come back to Arkham quietly."

Joker and Harley shared a look. "Deal," said Joker, reaching out to take his hand.

"I'm not falling for the joy buzzer again," growled Batman. "Your word's gonna have to do. C'mon," he said, heading for the door.

Joker and Harley shared another look, and then both giggled as they removed their crossed fingers from behind their back. "He never learns, does he?" laughed Joker, as they followed Batman out of the door. "What a maroon!"


	8. Chapter 8

"What's up with this guy?! No style, no funny, just gruesome!" exclaimed Joker, as they stood outside the abandoned hospital which Batman informed them Ricky was using as his base of operations. It probably wouldn't have been that hard to find even without his help – there were corpses of his victims scattered around the outside, contorted in random positions and missing limbs, with smiles carved onto their faces. "You explain the joke in those morbid trophies, Harley!"

"You told me never to explain the joke, puddin'," replied Harley. "Anyway, I don't think Ricky makes jokes – he just wants to cause as much damage as possible, because like many people who don't really understand you, he believes your purpose in life is to just kill as many people as possible."

"It isn't?" asked Batman.

"Not unless it's funny," retorted Joker. "I ain't the Joker without the jokes. I'm a comedian first and a criminal second, Batsy, you know that."

"I don't see what could possibly be funny about killing people – it's all just gruesome to me," retorted Batman. "So frankly I don't see a huge amount of difference between your two styles of crime."

"You're either blind as a bat, or you have no sense of humor," said Joker. "Probably both. But see, I know you, Bats. I could tell a real Bat from a fake, if some loser started going around impersonating you."

"Nobody would ever dare do that," said Batman.

"Yeah, cause you ain't got a hot girlfriend everyone wants," agreed Joker. "Although I guess Harvey does want her, come to think about it."

"What is this about Harvey and Selina?" demanded Batman

"Oh, they're together," replied Joker, grinning. "I went to see Harvey and found him playing with the Kitty in bed, and from the looks of things, they were doing more than just heavy petting," he giggled.

Batman said nothing. "Well, that's fine," he said at last. "We broke up. She's a free woman. She can do what she wants."

He started toward the door. "Of course, I had hoped that doing what she wanted wouldn't have involved sleeping with a supercriminal," he added, with annoyance in his voice. "I mean, I thought she had moved beyond a life of crime, and being involved with criminals – it just seems like a step backward for her, and I think I'm allowed to be annoyed about that."

"Maybe she was just sick of dating a goody-two-shoes and wanted a bad boy for once," said Harley, shrugging. "Women do like 'em, y'know."

"That kind of thinking is incredibly unhelpful, Harley," snapped Batman. "It's that attitude that drove Ricky to this. He knew you wouldn't love him unless he was as evil as the Joker, and look at the result!" he said, gesturing to the corpses.

"Then maybe I wasn't the girl for him, Bats," snapped Harley. "What happened to Ricky wasn't my fault. I can't help who I love, and people have to accept that. You shouldn't ever change yourself to try to impress someone else."

"A lesson I see you don't follow in your own life," growled Batman.

"Hey, I didn't become Harley Quinn to please Mr. J!" snapped Harley.

"No, she did not," agreed Joker. "I never asked her to do anything of the kind. I certainly wouldn't wish Harley on the world, or on me!" he chuckled.

"Harley Quinn is who I am," she continued. "Deep down inside. Mr. J helped me realize that. He set me free. I finally feel like the real me, and it's all thanks to him. Ricky's tried to twist himself into something he's not to please me. There's a difference, and his way is sad. More than that, it's tragic."

She shoved past Batman and headed for the door. "You boys should stay out here. I wanna talk to Ricky alone, and the sight of you two will probably be the opposite of helpful."

"What if you get in trouble going in there alone?" demanded Batman.

"I can take care of myself," she retorted. "And if you wanna keep an eye on me, I'm sure you can sneak in and observe somehow. Maybe through a window," she said, nodding up. "You're good at that, Bats. But I gotta confront him by myself."

She opened the door without another word and disappeared into the darkness. Joker and Batman shared a look, and then Batman sighed, reaching for his grappling hook and grabbing Joker's arm. "Try not to make any noise," he muttered, shooting the hook up to a higher window.

"Not like Harvey and Kitty, then!" chuckled Joker.

"I will drop you," warned Batman. "The fall won't kill you, so you know I'll do it."

"Geez, Bats, lighten up!" chuckled Joker as Batman reeled the hook in, pulling them both up to the higher floors. "All that gloominess is probably the reason Selina prefers Harvey – at least he's only miserable half of the time. Probably the time that he's with Selina…ow! Don't worry, Batsy, I'm ok! I landed on my spine!"

…

Harley walked down the dark, empty corridor of the deserted hospital, feeling herself shivering. And not just because the place was cold – the whole atmosphere gave her the creeps. The doors to large, empty rooms gaped wide, like dislocated jaws, leading her further into the mouth of darkness. "Ricky?" she called, hoping her voice didn't sound too nervous. "Ricky? Are you here?"

There was no response – just the dripping of water leaking through the building's roof. "Mr. J never woulda picked someplace like this for his hideout," muttered Harley to herself, rubbing her arms. "It's too creepy, and there's no gag in it. Not like a funhouse or an amusement park or a…"

"It's where people go when they're sick," said a voice behind her. "It's not meant to be a joke. It's just where I feel most comfortable now."

She whirled around to see Ricky standing behind her, wearing the same makeup and clothes. "And it made me…think of you," he continued. "You went to medical school and interned in a hospital, didn't you?"

"A...mental hospital, yeah," stammered Harley.

"That's where you met _him_," he murmured. "Me. That's where all the madness started. Our mad love began there," he said, stepping toward her. "You thought you could help me, Harley, that you could cure my sick mind…but the truth is, you can't. You can't. I'm the Joker, and I'm incurable."

"Ricky, please, this ain't you," whispered Harley. "I know you. And I know what happened to you was awful, but…I gotta believe the real Ricky is still in there somewhere. My friend," she said, holding out a hand to him.

He took it in his, holding her fingers gently against his scar. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. "Even like this, with that clown face hiding away all your beauty…" he said, using his free hand to touch her cheek.

"Ricky, this is who I am now," she murmured. "Harley Quinn."

"And this is who I am now," he agreed. "The Joker."

"No, Ricky, you ain't," she said. "You're Ricky Sorkin. You're the boy who climbed a tree to get my scarf after the wind got it stuck in the branches. You're the boy who shared his ice cream with me after mine fell on the ground. You're the boy who used to stay up late with me telling ghost stories until we were both too scared to go to bed. You must remember all that, Ricky. That's the guy I want you to be. Not anyone else."

He shook his head. "But you pretend to be someone else, Harley," he murmured. "When you're really Harleen Quinzel. My best friend, and the girl I have always loved. We were meant to be together, don't you see? And then you…you left me. You went off to Gotham, and you changed...into this."

"I haven't changed, Ricky," she whispered. "That's the point. If you remember me as a kid, you remember that I was always mischievous, headstrong, adventurous. I wanted to do crazy things, and be different from the other kids. I wanted to live a life of constant fun. And I am, Ricky. I forgot for a while, when I was studying and working, who I was and what I wanted to be. Mr. J helped me remember. But you…you never wanted any of that. And you never wanted to hurt anyone. This isn't you, Ricky. The Ricky I knew was such a nice, sweet boy. And I know he's still in there somewhere," she said.

He shook his head slowly. "You're right, Harley," he whispered. "I never wanted the hurt anyone. The only thing I ever wanted, the only dream I ever had growing up, was to be with you. If you feel that strongly that your purpose in life is to be Harley Quinn, I feel just as strongly that my purpose is to love you. And to prove that love to you, whatever the cost."

"But Ricky, I ain't ever gonna love you," she murmured. "Not the way you want."

"But you will love the Joker," he whispered. "And I will become him completely. For you."

He pulled her down the corridor. "Come with me," he said. "I have something I want to show you."

Harley followed him, glancing up into the rafters and trying to reassure herself that Batman and the Joker weren't far behind, although she didn't see them. Ricky opened the door to a large room, where a giant vat had been set up in the middle of the floor. There were stairs leading up to a platform high above it, and as Harley reached the top, she caught her breath in horror as she saw the vat was filled with a bubbling, glowing green chemical.

"As near as I can tell, this is the same concoction that the Joker fell into, that turned him into what he is today," whispered Ricky. "If I too immerse myself in it, I will become him. It's not enough, I see that now, to try to replicate his crimes or copy his look – to become him, I have to go through the same process."

He turned to look at her. "Will you come with me, Harley?" he murmured.

"What, in there?" she asked. She shook her head. "No, thank you, I ain't that nuts!"

"But we'll be together, don't you see?" he whispered. "And we'll be mad together. What happens to me will also happen to you – we'll share the same mind and the same appearance and the same experience. We'll share the same soul, more than you and the Joker do now. We will have the truest love which ever existed, as we always should have. We were made for each other, Harley. And now we can be re-made together."

"Ricky, I'm real flattered, but I'm happy with who I am," said Harley. "True love ain't just about the similarities, y'know – it's about the differences too. Mr. J and I don't need to be exactly the same to love each other, and being exactly the same wouldn't make me love you either. You should be happy with who you are too, Ricky Sorkin…"

"No, I'm not!" he roared, suddenly angry. "I'm not Ricky Sorkin! You don't love Ricky Sorkin! And I will be the man you love, however it takes! I won't let you destroy our love, our love that was so perfect until you threw it all away for some crazy clown! You had no right to do that, and he has no right to have you! He doesn't know you like I do - he wasn't there for every step of your life, like I was! Was it all a joke to you, Harley?! Is that all we ever were?!"

"Ricky…" she began, but he reached into his pocket and snapped a handcuff onto her wrist. He placed the other end around his own wrist, chaining them together.

"I'm sorry, Harley, but I have to try," he whispered. "I have to try, or I'll go mad. I can't just give you up – it's not possible. Every part of my being loves you. And if I can't have your love, I have nothing."

He walked toward the edge of the platform, dragging Harley reluctantly behind him. She clung onto the railing with her free hand, but he was stronger, and prised her off.

"We should plunge into our new life together," he whispered. "Our hands chained together, as our hearts soon will be, for all eternity."

"Ricky, no, please, don't jump…" she stammered. "You don't wanna do this…"

He looked at her, and nodded. "I do," he whispered. "I'm doing this for us. We'll never be unhappy, don't you see? And we'll always be together, as we always should have been. No matter what happens."

He squeezed her hand tightly, and then jumped.


	9. Chapter 9

Harley screamed as she felt herself being pulled off the platform, trying desperately to seize onto the edge with her free hand. And then her free hand was caught by someone. She looked up and beamed. "Mr. J!" she gasped.

"Hang on, kid," he muttered, trying to pull her back up despite Ricky's weight dragging her down. He looked up and saw the Joker, and grew furious.

"No!" he snarled. "You will not come between us again!"

He wrenched on her arm, making her slip in Joker's grip. Harley screamed as Joker lurched forward, sending her closer to the batch of chemicals. And then Joker was seized by Batman, who began pulling all of them back up.

"Oh…I get it…" gasped Joker. "You'll save…Harley from falling into the chemicals now…but not me back then! That's sexist, Bats!"

"Shut…up!" hissed Batman, straining to pull them the last few feet. Harley fell into the Joker's arms as Batman grabbed Ricky by the collar and hauled him over the edge.

"You shouldn't even be here, Batman!" growled Ricky, glaring up at him. "You're supposed to be taking care of the bomb!"

"What bomb?" demanded Batman.

Ricky chuckled. "Follow the alphabet, you caped freak! Next is E."

"News flash: there's nothing funny about alphabet jokes, you humorless nutjob!" snapped Joker.

"News flash: there's nothing funny about _you_!" shouted Ricky. "You're a destructive, psychopathic child who doesn't amuse anyone except himself! You accuse others of having no sense of humor, but really you're the one who doesn't know a joke when he sees one!"

Joker gaped at him. "You're a lunatic!" he gasped.

"See why I couldn't tell the difference between him and you?" demanded Batman.

Joker's shock instantly turned to fury. "All right, punk, you're going down!" he hissed. "I can maybe see your imitation as a kind of flattery. I can maybe sympathize with you wanting Harley. But I cannot excuse you telling me I have no sense of humor!"

"What bomb?" repeated Batman, shoving Joker aside and lifting Ricky up to face him. "Where is it? When is it going off?"

"Oh, in about five minutes!" laughed Ricky. "I'm trying to prove a point to you, Batman. I'm trying to help you see how futile and useless your struggle is. You're fighting against crime and evil, but crime and evil are inflicted upon millions of people every day! There is no stopping it, because it is inside everyone! Even the most innocent seeming, the most beautiful people," he whispered, staring at Harley. "All of it is lies. The world is chaos and evil, and the innocent dreams of children are destroyed and burned on a daily basis. Why shouldn't everyone see that life is suffering and misery? It's chaotic and unfair and cruel. You're never too young to learn that."

"Geez, you ain't a cheery guy, are ya?" asked Joker. "This clown schtick is all wrong for you…"

"East Gotham Elementary School," said Batman suddenly, releasing Ricky and tearing off into the darkness. "I'm warning you, Joker! Don't kill him!" he shouted back.

"Oh, too late for that, Batsy," muttered Joker, glaring at Ricky.

"You don't love her!" growled Ricky, tugging on Harley's wrist again and wrenching her out of Joker's arms. "Not even a fraction of how deeply I do! It's not right that you have her! I knew her long before you ever laid eyes on her!"

"Yeah, well, it doesn't work like that, Ricardo!" snapped Joker, tugging Harley back into his arms. "It's not finders keepers! It's Harley's choice!"

"Yeah, and I ain't a tug-of-war rope!" she shrieked. "So stop pulling me between you two!"

"She is the only thing worth living for in this bleak, miserable world," whispered Ricky.

"Oh, take some Prozac and cheer up, pal!" snapped Joker. "I hate people like you! Yeah, life is crazy and random, so rather than have some fun and find some joy in that, you mope about how unfair it all is! You're worse than Batsy – at least he actually takes some action!"

"I am taking some action," whispered Ricky. "I am taking the only action I can take. I am taking Harley," he hissed, yanking her away again and placing his handcuffed arm firmly around her waist, and the other around her throat. "And I will become the Joker. And we will be together forever," he said, stepping backward toward the edge of the platform again.

Joker sighed. "Y'know, it would take more than a dip in that to become me," he said, nodding down. "It would take a whole sense of humor transplant, since it's pretty clear you ain't got one. See, if you're the Joker, it's all about the gags!" he said, spraying a jet of acid from the flower on his buttonhole straight at Ricky's arm around Harley's waist. The acid landed on the chain and it sizzled, freeing Harley. And then, before anyone could react, Joker whipped out his gun and fired a boxing glove on a spring straight at Ricky. It collided with his face, knocking him back off the platform.

But instead of landing in the acid, the punch threw him a bit farther, causing him to bounce off the edge of the vat with a sickening crunch, and land on the hard ground with a loud thud. "Ricky!" shrieked Harley, racing down the steps and rushing over to him. Blood was already pooling beneath him from his cracked skull, and he stared up at her with eyes whose life was seeping away just as fast.

"Harley," he whispered. "My head really hurts…I think I'm bleeding."

"Yeah," she murmured, tears in her eyes as she knelt beside him, pulling him gently onto her lap and taking his hand. "Yeah, you are, Ricky. But don't worry. The pain's gonna go away real soon. I promise."

"I'm scared, Harley," he murmured. "You were never scared. Help me be brave like you."

"I ain't brave, Ricky," she whispered, letting her tears fall. "I know it seems like I am, but I ain't. I just pretend to be…whenever I'm afraid…I just…smile."

Ricky managed a small smile. "I wish…we could go back to the park, Harley. And play on the swings. I wish I could have had one more day like that…with you. But you won't leave me again, will you, Harley? You'll stay with me, until the end, won't you?"

"Yeah, Ricky," she whispered, kissing his forehead. "I will. I promise."

The end was not far off. Ricky managed a few more labored breaths, and then his eyes, which were fixed on Harley, suddenly went out. His hand dropped from hers, revealing his scar again. Harley continued to hold him, crying silently.

"He had to die, Harl," murmured Joker from behind her.

"I know," she whispered. "Nobody could have saved him. And I wouldn't have wanted him to live any longer…the way he was. I don't think Ricky…the real Ricky…would have wanted that either," she said, stroking his hair back from his lifeless face. "It's just…a shame that this had to happen to him, Mr. J. He never deserved this."

"Nobody deserves anything, Harley," murmured Joker. "He was right about one thing – the world is a crazy, random, cruel place. Crazy, random, cruel stuff happens in it, and it happens to good guys the same way it happens to bad guys. Life ain't about justice or fairness or right. That's what the Bat can't understand. He's like…like Ricky was, I guess. He sees the world as something to fight against. But that's a crazy thing to do. The only sane response if you can't beat the crazy is to join in. You'll just make yourself miserable otherwise. And you don't wanna be miserable, do you, kiddo? Doncha wanna be happy?"

"I've always wanted to be happy, Mr. J," she whispered.

He knelt down beside her, tilting her chin up, and smiled. "There's the gal who drove a man to madness," he murmured. "Can't say I really blame him for that."

Harley smiled through her tears, and then broke down, hugging Joker tightly and sobbing into his chest. He held her and let her cry as the night fell around them.


	10. Chapter 10

Batman had managed to get to the elementary school and deactivate the bomb in time, much to his relief. He was suitably annoyed, however, upon returning to the hospital, to find that Joker has disobeyed his instructions, and that Ricky Sorkin was dead. But to their credit, both Joker and Harley had stayed with the body until his return, and were led back to Arkham without protest.

Harley seemed very despondent for the next few days – she kept to herself, which was very unlike her. Normally she was spreading smiles and cheer throughout the asylum, bouncy and happy and carefree. But Jonathan Crane knew the reason for her depression – he had been dragged back to Arkham at around the same time, and when Harley finally entered the Rec Room at last, he was the first to rush over and greet her.

"Harley, if there's anything I can say or do to make up for…"

She held up her hand. "It's ok, Johnny. I know you didn't mean to hurt him, and I ain't angry at you. I ain't angry at anyone. What happened…to Ricky wasn't anyone's fault really…but it's made me realize some things. It's made me realize how important my friends are to me, and how important it is that I show 'em that I appreciate 'em," she said, hugging him suddenly. "I don't wanna lose another one," she murmured. "I don't wanna lose anyone close to me ever again."

Crane was utterly ecstatic, and held her against him for as long as possible, making the hug last for longer than it really should have. Harley pulled away at last, turning her attention to the Joker, who sat watching TV on the sofa.

"It's also made me realize how much I love my puddin'," she said, giving him a long and lengthy kiss. "I hope you didn't mind me needing some alone time, sweetie."

"Hell no!" he chuckled. "It was a relief not to have a needy dame clinging onto me all the time, demanding stuff and trying to be affectionate!"

"Well, get used to it, because I ain't gonna be alone anymore," she snapped. "You're stuck with me, pal, whether you like it or not!"

"Wow, Harley, that's a really great way to show people how much they matter to you," said Poison Ivy, sarcastically. "Tell them they're stuck with you no matter what."

"Well, at least it shows she cares!" chuckled Joker, patting Harley's head. "Personally I've found threats of death to be very effective ways of showing people how much I care about them. Gotta show the people close to you that you care, doncha, Pammie? Or else they might stray."

"Is that a hint?" asked Ivy, raising her eyebrows. "Because I don't care about you, J. You threaten me with death all you like."

"It was a hint, yeah," chuckled Joker. "But it wasn't meant to be about you and me. It was actually about you and Harvey."

"What about me and Harvey?" she asked.

"I just thought the reason he's taken in stray cats is maybe because you didn't show him you cared," said Joker, shrugging.

"Stray cats?" she repeated. "What the hell are you talking about? Harvey can get a pet if he wants one – I don't see what that has to do with me. Especially since we're not together anymore, and I won't have to deal with the pet."

"But you see this particular cat on such a regular basis!" giggled Joker. "I would think it'd be a little awkward."

Ivy seemed to realize what he was talking about suddenly, but that did nothing to lessen her confusion. "Wait…are you implying that Harvey and Selina are together now?"

"Well yeah, if you're gonna explain the joke," sighed Joker.

Ivy stared at him. "Are you being serious?"

"Well, this particular joke is only funny because it's true," said Joker, nodding.

Ivy said nothing. "Well, I don't care what they do," she sniffed at last. "It's no concern of mine. Harvey's single now. Selina's single. Good for them. Hope they're happy."

She was silent for about a minute. "Still, you think they could have told me," she muttered. "And y'know, it's pretty crap for a friend to date your ex. That's like an unwritten rule of womanhood, that you don't do that. I think I'm allowed to feel a little betrayed."

She put down her magazine suddenly. "And nobody betrays Poison Ivy," she growled. "Not again."

She slammed her fist down on the table. "Harvey's mine, dammit!" she shrieked. "I'll make that catty bitch pay for daring to sink her claws into him! And then I'll make him pay for letting her! Hope you've told Selina and Harvey how much you care about them, Harley, because they're both dead!"

She raced out of the Rec Room and Joker giggled, sitting back down on the sofa. "Ah, revenge is sweet, Harley girl," he chuckled. "I'm sure the ongoing feud between Selina and Pammie will more than make up for that terrible bedroom advice they gave you."

Harley nodded. "Maybe when we get outta here, we can try that whole romantic getaway thing again, huh, Mr. J?"

He chuckled. "No, no, no, pooh bear. I ain't leaving Gotham again anytime soon. Firstly because I don't want some random imposter taking my place again. And secondly because it's the only place that really makes me smile. Got my Batty nemesis, and my goofy girlfriend," he said, ruffling her hair fondly. "Plus plenty of boring, serious people who need me to cheer 'em up. What more could a guy ask for?"

"You're such a sweet, generous guy, puddin'," sighed Harley. "Always wanting to spread some smiles!"

"That's me, Harl," he agreed, nodding. "Selfless and heroic. Putting a smile on everyone's faces whether they want it or not! I tell ya, it's good to be the Joker. There's nobody on earth happier than me!"

"Except me, puddin'," she said, cuddling against him and beaming. "Except me."

**The End**


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